Another day on the road and we arrive at our final destination. We're in Melbourne for a couple of days, giving us enough time to see the place properly on a free bus that tours the city. The wife has booked us in on the Neighbours Tour. It's starts a bit weird when tour driver Jerry promptly introduces Libby Kennedy so we can all have our photo taken with her. She tells us what she's been up to since her leaving the show in mysterious circumstances and I nod like I know what she's talking about. Driver Jerry proves to be value for money. An Irish guy who clearly loves his Neighbours and chats non-stop for
the 40 mins it takes to get us into the suburbs and onto Ramsey Steet. All I can really say is it's a street, like a normal street. Though it does have it's own security to prevent student backpackers urinating off Harold Bishops patio, and to stop seventy year old men beating up student backpackers with a cricket bat for urinating off Harold Bishop's patio. Danny Pensive sings the Neighbours theme, holding the street sign.

We blag a whole days ride on the tram because no one told us we had to put our tickets in the machine. There's plenty of free stuff to do without breaking the law; visiting Australia's shrine of rememberance, a large proud stone building commemorating soldiers from all wars. Also the big Victoria market, photographing Kylie Minogues bottom (statue of) and the amazing Australian Centre for the moving image. I'm here one day too soon to see the Games Masters video game exhibition and talk with Warren Spector, but not for the regular exhibitions and the indie games showcase, where games like 'Dear Ester', 'Proteus' and 'Fez' can be played on big screens. Sweet.

I have seen the future and it's a pub with it's own separate cider bar on the roof! Cider Bar. Roof Bar. If I'd known about it earlier I have let the wife do the Neighbours tour on her own. I try two of the local ciders, both at 7%. Yummy. Melbourne has a big comedy circuit and after a few facebook enquiries I'm offered a short spot at a place called the Felix Bar, but arrangements are against me. We rock up at our plush cabin accommodation for the night and I ask the camp receptionist how to get into the city by public transport. At length she describes how to get to the nearest tram station, so long in fact that I ask how far away the station is. 'About seven kilometres' is the answer 'If you're driving. Then the tram takes about an hour'. Balls.

I'm at the wrong end of town and I'm not going to get to the gig in time, nevermind get back. Next time Melbourne. Dissapointed. Saying that I've spent the last nine nights in a van in the cold and I honk a bit. The cabin has a telly, an electric blanket and a pizza shop five mins walk away. I'm not going anywhere.

Thursday is emotional saying goodbye to the van. Now's it's sitting in my pants recharging batteries watching Australian telly. It's mainly imports, adverts for life insurance and repeats of MacGyver and Please Sir! with John Aldterton. Sleep now, and dream of L.A.

As we've travelled through New South Wales we've passed near Hexham, Stockton, Durham and Swansea. We made a point of visiting the coastal town of Newcastle, but on driving through thought better of it as two orange faced girls in short skirts indicated the town probably shared all the worst aspects of it's tyneside namesake.

At night in Sydney I see a possum in the dark which is cute and exciting. The next morning off inland to Canberra, a city I'd wanted to visit as it's Australia's capital city but gets far less international attention than Sydney or Melbourne. Canberra's main attraction is the Parliament Building and the city itself, the layout and architecture of which was decided by competition in the early 1900's. All the entants are on show in the free to walk around building exhibition, one of which is a ringer for the Imperial City of Cyrodill in the Elder Scroll games, and another is clearly from the love child of hitler and MC Escher, who did those black and white pictures of endless staircases.

The city proper is one long straight road passing straight through the centre of the city, broken only twice by two enourmous roundabouts, one a park, the other home to the gigantic Parliament Building. Branching out from the main road the commerce and residential areas are arranged in interlocking hexagons of streets so from the air the whole place looks like an elaborate crop circle/honetcomb/tardis walls, or a successful version of Washington, Tyne and Wear.

Canberra is a chilled out place, no high skyscrapers, a vast expanse of land with everything spread out and connected in straight lines, more or less. I like Canberra loads despite the fact that they have the magna carta. Yes, that Magna Carta. It apparently went 'missing' from England many years ago turning up in an Australian school in the 1950's. A likely story. I suspect the humour and irony was not lost on the fact that an ancient scroll describing fundaments of English law was stolen from England and reappeared on a continent that was originally populated by criminals. There's a bit of me would like to see it returned, but at the same time I also think it's hilarious.

We spend a couple of very cold days in Canberra and use two different camp grounds, both of which have equally poor kitchen facilities. One appears to be a garage with an oven and a grotty bbq in it. The other is at least indoor but has no kitchen.

Onwards to Melbourne, and a tour of the set of Neighbours at the wife indulgence. I'm glad I've got those strong 'night-time' cold capsules.